The Earl Of Oxford Wasn’t Half So Clever…

MoxyCrimeFighter: http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/08/08/sea-turtles-depths.html
DearAlthea: i want to own one
DearAlthea: and i want him to putz around my house but not in water
MoxyCrimeFighter: you’d probably have to rub lotion on him
MoxyCrimeFighter: oo but you could get him a pair of spectacles!
DearAlthea: and a tiny tophat
MoxyCrimeFighter: and spats for his flippers
DearAlthea: and we could stage little arguments between him and his wife, a fiery, hot-blooded lobster
MoxyCrimeFighter: with a portuguese accent
DearAlthea: she could say “Shellington, you need thicker skin!” and he could say “Not all of us can have a carapace, Martha!”
MoxyCrimeFighter: she would often chide him for his lack of ambition
MoxyCrimeFighter: and unfavorably compare him to his coworker, a hammerhead shark
MoxyCrimeFighter: “his eyes don’t even point in the same direction, shellington! and look what he’s accomplished! he’s up to six remoras a year, shellington!”
DearAlthea: and he’d say “well why don’t you just run away with him then? you two have so much in common; you both scavenge meat, neither of you have bones, and oh, look, neither of you make a delicious soup.”
MoxyCrimeFighter: and she’d say, in her fiery portuguese accent, “perhaps i will! he’s got all those teeth, maybe he’ll actually make me feel something!”
MoxyCrimeFighter: and he would call her a mollusky trollop
DearAlthea: woof
DearAlthea: man
DearAlthea: you’b be good at that. you should write an underwater play
MoxyCrimeFighter: lol maybe i will
MoxyCrimeFighter: enter it in this year’s writing contest
MoxyCrimeFighter: “the lost city of love: an ocean story”
DearAlthea: adapt an old novel into a new, underwater love story
DearAlthea: Dracula: Waterlogged and Lovelorn
MoxyCrimeFighter: frankenstein: soaked all to pieces
DearAlthea: Love in the Time of Anemonies.
DearAlthea: hahaha Clams and the Giant Sea Cucumber
MoxyCrimeFighter: haha
MoxyCrimeFighter: Remora and Juliet
DearAlthea: hahahaha
MoxyCrimeFighter: clamlet!
DearAlthea: MacPerch
MoxyCrimeFighter: a midsummer night’s drown
DearAlthea: Crabthello
MoxyCrimeFighter: schoolius caesar salad
MoxyCrimeFighter: (they come with anchovies….)

I Can Haz Weerd Famly

[Over AIM] Dad: Hi. h’war u? wotcher dune? Me: oh my god Me: the lolcats have developed opposable thumbs! Me: i must warn the bishop! Dad: num num Me: haha ::Dad pops head into my room:: “That is what lolcats say, right? Num num?” “Nooo, nom nom.” “Right, right.” ::goes away muttering “nom nom” to himself::

And All Of Them Gone To The Fair

Diablo Dibujo: sup fishmonger
moxycrimefighter: nothing much…wainwright?
moxycrimefighter: is that the theme of the evening, antiquated professions?
Diablo Dibujo: well, bootblack, you tell me
moxycrimefighter: you’re a strange one, you chandler, you
Diablo Dibujo: i wouldn’t say that if i were a highwayman
moxycrimefighter: well since i’m a dead-collector, i think i’m well within my realm of experience
Diablo Dibujo: at least i have my apothecary to keep me warm; i am, after all, an alchemist
moxycrimefighter: what a coincidence! i’m a midwife/wisewoman
Diablo Dibujo: ah, well, the fletcher’s life for me
moxycrimefighter: as you deserve. and you’d best get to it, since i’m also the hangman and could have you swinging in an instant
Diablo Dibujo: well, who would hang a simple squire?
moxycrimefighter: the corrupt magistrate, perhaps
Diablo Dibujo: or perhaps are you just afraid i’m a wizard?
moxycrimefighter: in the guise of a goatboy? i think not.
Diablo Dibujo: you’ve caught me! i am but a simple troubadour, from town to town to make my sheckles
moxycrimefighter: how exotic! you’ve seen far more of life than i have, a simple tavern wench/occasional bit of rumpy pumpy
Diablo Dibujo: oh, but do not tell me, as the town crier soon everyone will know!
moxycrimefighter: as the madame of the local brothel, i know things that would make your wife’s ears shrivel, so i would avoid doing such a thing. go drown your secrets in a pint.
Diablo Dibujo: i’d have to steal it, the rogue that i am, like everything else i’ve ever gotten in life
moxycrimefighter: and as the jailer, i’d put you away to rot…but as the smitten goosegirl, i’d also aid in your escape
Diablo Dibujo: and as the scribe i’d record your deeds, and as cleric i’d sooth your weary bones….and guilty mind
moxycrimefighter: i can attest to your ecumenical skills. after many years as the choirmaster, i’ve seen enough to know
Diablo Dibujo: you praise me a goldsmith when i am nothing but a peasant; you’re too kind
moxycrimefighter: i work with nothing but dull iron, so my eyes are always on the lookout for a glint of the finer things. i do envy your skills with a hide, though
Diablo Dibujo: i am a fair tanner. although, i am an even better shipwright
moxycrimefighter: i know this well, but even after decades as a sea-widow, i still walk my roof in a state of agitation
Diablo Dibujo: i won’t lie, the only one i’ve got left is barrister. i’m a barrister.
moxycrimefighter: haha, so i’ll be your bailiff

Start A Whole New Country And Only We Can Come

Isn’t that weird? I thought the Internet was supposed to be a place outside the world, like the Olympics keeps claiming to be, where people unite, regardless of a/s/l, through their love of doctored pet photos, misspelled bitchery, and weird Japanese pr0n. That’s one of the greatest things about the Internet, that people in Britain don’t have to watch their crappy TV shows because they can torrent “Futurama” and “Flavor of Love [x]“, and Americans can download the far superior British originals that U.S. media conglomerates have bastardized in their quest for satisfying the lowest common denominator of the TV-viewing public. That’s freedom! That’s beauty and truth! Why shouldn’t I be able to watch Finnish death metal whenever I want, or some old Chinese guy freak out on a bus? Freedombeautytruth! The trailer for Kevin Smith’s latest movie was banned in the U.S. because it wasn’t MPAA-approved, or something like that, but people still managed to see it because it was being hosted by a U.K. site. Freedombeautytruth! I would imagine that this is going to cause a whole bunch of censorship issues which I am far too lazy to contemplate but find interesting in the abstract. Seriously, though, can I just watch some YouTube videos?

Lord, That Lonely Girl

I don’t know, maybe I’m too old and cranky for teen angst. I used to love it; I delighted in all the drama that my friends came up with and was thrilled when I had my own to bring to the table. Something about lonelygirl15 rubs me the wrong way, though. It might be her twitchy face and frequent use of fillers. “Um, I’m a lonely girl…I’m 16…but I don’t want, um, you to be all, um, stalky, so I won’t tell you where, um, I live, just say a million times that, um, it’s really boring. And make some more faces. Um.” Ugh. It could be that I’ve known about the series for a while, since right around the time it started getting big, before people were seriously questioning how real it was. I never watched it, as initial descriptions made it sound stupid and I had lost interest in the whole blogging thing after my own blogring had gotten too histrionic, even for my tastes. Plus, it got really outlandish, like the Internet version of “Passions”, another relic from my middle school days. When it was finally revealed to be a hoax, I wasn’t totally surprised, but I’ll admit to being disappointed. It’s sort of sad that this public diary, one that touched a lot of young people, was all written by adults with marketing on their minds. I guess this has a lot of implications: our manipulation by the media, the ease with which we can re-invent ourselves on the Internet, our voyeuristic interest in the personal lives of others/our solipsistic belief that people give a damn about the mundane happenings in our own lives, our need for a human connection in an increasingly remote and mechanical society. I don’t really want to talk about any of those, though; that’s fodder for a research paper that I am too lazy to do. Basically, I hate lonelygirl15 for being angsty in a way I like to think I’ve left behind; but I also hate her for abandoning it for some stupid occult theme. If someone is going to have access to the minds and emotions of thousands of people, there should be some honesty in there; teen bullshit is largely no more real than anything lonelygirl15 said, but at least it has belonged to everyone.